Supporting someone who is LGBTQIA+

There are lots of ways to support LGBTQIA+ people. And to provide a safe space for them, where they can be themselves.

Having a good support network can help our mental health. This is especially true for LGBTQIA+ people, who may face extra challenges – such as discrimination and isolation.

Accept them for who they are

Accept and respect the person you’re supporting. You should take who they are seriously. This includes not assuming that it’s just a ‘phase’ or a trend. Or that they’ll change their mind.

You can show your acceptance in many ways, such as talking positively about LGBTQIA+ topics and including them in social activities.

It also helps to use the terms they prefer to describe themselves. This includes if their preferred terms change over time.

LGBTQIA+ language often evolves. And someone might find a term that suits them better. This doesn’t mean LGBTQIA+ people are changing who they are all the time. It just means they’re changing how they describe themselves.

Recognise your bias

You might have set ideas about things like relationships. Or how someone of a certain gender should look.

The way we’re brought up to think about gender, sexuality, family and relationships is influenced by social traditions and ideas. These can often exclude women, people of colour and LGBTQIA+ people, as well as other social groups.

These ideas are not facts. It’s important that we change them when they’re not inclusive.

The way you want to live your life might not be how someone wants to live theirs. That doesn’t make either way of living bad.

For example, you might feel that being in a romantic relationship is an important part of being happy in your life. But if someone who is aro doesn’t want that, this doesn’t mean they can never be happy.

You might also have bias about certain LGBTQIA+ identities. For example, you might assume that, because someone is trans, they’ll want to have surgery. But not all trans people want or need this.

Recognising and removing bias allows us to accept LGBTQIA+ people. And to create a safer, more inclusive space for us all to be ourselves.

Stories about LGBTQIA+ people being a threat

You might have read or heard things about LGBTQIA+ people that suggest they’re dangerous. Or that the way they live their life is not ‘natural’.

There’s nothing wrong with being LGBTQIA+. And these negative stories do not reflect the LGBTQIA+ community. They normally come from sources that are misinformed, or motivated by stigma. LGBTQIA+ people and LGBTQIA+ rights are not a threat to you, your rights, or the way you live.

It can be hard to change these biases, especially if we learnt them when we were young. Getting accurate information from LGBTQIA+ organisations can help.

See our useful contacts page to find organisations providing reliable LGBTQIA+ information.

When watching movies with a gay character, my mum would scoff in disgust and she would often make comments on how the world is ‘in trouble’. Though I was young, I knew she did all this because that’s how she was raised and that was years of tradition and culture speaking. But even with all the empathy in the world, I had begun to feel guilty for being who I was.

Don’t ask intrusive questions

You might have questions about being LGBTQIA+. It’s ok to be curious and want to learn more.

But avoid asking intrusive questions. For example, questions about someone’s sex life or parts of their body. It isn’t usually appropriate to ask anyone these questions unless they’ve said it’s ok.

This is true whether they’re LGBTQIA+ or not. But LGBTQIA+ people especially might have had bad experiences talking about these things in the past. For example, if they discussed it with their doctor.

There are ways to learn more and answer any questions you have about being LGBTQIA+. See our useful contacts page for organisations that have LGBTQIA+ information.

Challenge discrimination, misconceptions and stigma

If you’re supporting someone who’s LGBTQIA+, there might be big things to challenge. For example, reporting discrimination or hate crimes.

But there may also be smaller things you can do. For example, correcting someone when they use the wrong words to describe someone else.

These actions help make LGBTQIA+ people feel safer. This includes challenging discrimination, misconceptions and stigma even if the LGBTQIA+ person you’re supporting isn’t around.

Don’t make assumptions

Try to avoid assumptions based on your own understanding of mental health or LGBTQIA+ issues. And don’t assume that all LGBTQIA+ people have the same experiences.

Remember that everyone is different. So instead of assuming, ask the person about their own experiences.

If someone corrects you about an assumption, try not to get defensive or upset. Just apologise and correct what you do in the future.

Listen to their experiences

Try to give them space to talk, and listen to their experiences. But remember that growing up LGBTQIA+ means it’s likely they’ve faced negativity. So they may worry about opening up and speaking about their experiences.

If they don’t feel ready to speak to you, you could suggest they call a helpline like Switchboard – or any of the other organisations on our useful contacts page.

Show them you care

Many LGBTQIA+ people struggle with low self-esteem and experience discrimination and stigma. It may seem obvious to you that you respect and care about them. But they may not realise this.

Try to find ways to show them you care. For example, you could cook them a meal or take them out somewhere they’d enjoy. This could include spending time with them somewhere you know they feel safe being LGBTQIA+.

Support them to seek help

Seeking support for LGBTQIA+ mental health can be difficult. Especially if the person you’re supporting has had a bad experience with healthcare services.

You could reassure them that it’s ok to ask for help. And that help is out there, even if it’s not always easy to find. If they’d feel more comfortable using an LGBTQIA+ service, you could help them research one.

See our page on helping someone else seek help for more information.

Learn about LGBTQIA+ issues

It can help to learn about LGBTQIA+ issues, as well as the experiences of the person you’re supporting. This could help you understand what they’re going through. And offer them support that is better informed.

But don’t expect an LGBTQIA+ person to teach you everything about the LGBTQIA+ community. This can be stressful and tiring.

Visit our useful contacts page to find organisations that provide information on LGBTQIA+ issues and identities.

Learn about their mental health

If you’re supporting someone with a specific mental health diagnosis, you can find more information about it on our website. This includes things like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder.

Our A-Z of mental health has information on lots of other mental health problems and experiences. And it has tips on how to support someone else.

Take care of yourself

Looking after someone who’s struggling can be stressful. Remember that your mental health is important too. For more information on how to look after yourself, see our pages on:

• Coping when supporting someone else
• Managing stress
• Improving your wellbeing

There are also lots of groups for people supporting someone who’s LGBTQIA+. This includes groups for friends, parents and other family members.

For example, the organisation FFLAG supports families and friends of LGBT+ people. They have lots of information about supporting someone else. And peer support groups you could join to meet people with similar experiences.